Married Me to Pre-Married Me: Why Y'all Never Told Me!?
Unsolicited opinions. We all looooove these. You know what they say, “opinions are like assholes-- EVERYBODY got one (I hope!)”. But then again, there are a lot of “full of shit” moments that transpire in these streets that led me to believe that there may be some asshole lacking ass people in this world! HA! I totally cracked myself up there-- and got a little off track but allow me to bring you back. Here’s what I was getting to-- Some discussions that need to be had aren't being had. I mean vital, pivotal, life-changing heart-to-hearts that would better prepare one for major life decisions. But why?
For me, I wish I learned more about what being a wife actually entailed versus what I was preconditioned to believe marriage was all about. I legit had two sets of examples-- my family and those around me and Disney movies. The end. Both of which, might I add, were opposing sides of this matrimony life-- good, bad and ugly. Adult Khadeen (and also married mom Khadeen) can now open widely-- once “side-eye” eye I would give to married individuals around me. That is, looking at these relationships as an adult, as a woman, as a mother and finally realizing why stuff went down the way they did. Whether I’ve gained respect or loss a bit, I’ve learned not to judge, presume, take a side or take on anyone else’s marital woes. I’m 100% positive a lot of my family “examples” and lack of transparency comes from a Caribbean and Black/Brown cultural dogma that reads-- “keep your home business at home”. I also look at how this upbringing has shaped me as an individual (future blog post for sure).
Long story short-- this is wedlock life is work work! But least keep it 100%, I’m not “locked” into anything. Every day for me is a decision. I make a choice to be here, be present, and exist in this space with my husband but it required so much more than existing. Being present in my relationship has evolved and taken on new meaning over the course of our relationship. Devale and I have been together since October 2002 and married since July 2010. College Devale and Khadeen had the luxury of youth, little to no responsibility, newness and a carefree euphoria that totally engulfed us. Fast forward 16 years later, stack on children, age (though Devale will tell you he’s 25 for like the 10th year in a row-- haha!), businesses and career changes, ultimate highs, all the way low lows, we are still here riding for each other. Simply because we want to.
I really think the biggest idiosyncrasy that has worked in our favor is the mutual respect we have for each other as individual human being and the free will we each have to live happily within our created circumstances. The most gratifying thing for me is that he chooses me over and over and over again. And I’m not talking about choosing me over other females per say, but choosing me to accompany him on this life thing. Cuz baby, we both have options. Crystal clear moment, just saying. Ok, I lie, he’s my only option. LOL! And I’m his… google it!
Oh yeah, and damn you Disney for making this crap look easy! Falsifying this “happily ever after” narrative. I mean, we definitely have those fairytales moments and they are cute! But those times are so much more worth it when we overcome those rough patches. Becauseeee...the way makeup sex is set up!? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Kick it with me! What’s something you wish someone told you pre- marriage? If you’re not married, what do you want to know? Any advice, solicited or not, sway your decision to get married or not?